Anne and Dan

My friend Anne hates men.

That’s the rumour that goes around, at any rate. “I don’t actually hate men,” she always clarifies. She claims she’s very particular and that she’s more intelligent than most of them out there (this is true, I think all women are more intelligent than most of the males out there. Exhibit A: all my Weirdos of the Week).

So when Anne takes the first step and expresses interest in a guy, it’s not shocking when jaws drop and everyone checks the sky to see if the pigs are flying.

Enter Dan.

I first learned about Dan when Anne (notice the rhyming names? Cute!) sent me an instant message on AIM to tell me about this totally hot guy she met, and how she “want[s] to jump him.” Her big concern was the rhyming names. I told her not to be ridiculous and to just go for it. Rhyming names isn’t really a deal breaker (and, after all, she could always change her name. Anita, maybe?).

Then Anne got sick. Food poisoning, she said, so she had to cancel plans with Dan. Things were looking bleak for the two of them, and Anne, being Anne, kept looking for reasons not to call him and not to see him.

Then, this morning, I got an instant message from Anne:

Me: Oh THANK GOD. (Note: My “THANK GOD” is unrelated to this topic. We’ll save that for a future blog.)
Anne: I was going to say the SAME THING about you. I was going to show you something on MySpace! I found Dan!
Me: Oooh. Show me.

After sending me the link Anne says, “Wait till you get to the surprise!”

The surprise?

Oh, there was quite the surprise.

Dan’s MySpace is typical for the 25-35 age group that he’s in. And if he had sent me a message on MySpace, he would have totally been the Weirdo of the Week. Except for one special bit of information, under the “Details” section:

Children: Proud parent

Me: PROUD PARENT?
Anne: Yes!

Proud parent. Dan is a proud parent. Anne, quite clearly, did not realize this. She was also tuned into the fact that his profile makes him look and sound like a complete player.

Anne: I can’t stand the ‘lol’. They are all over the place.

They are, in fact, all over the place. For example:

Heroes: Captain America… lol..!

(We’re going to skip over the fact that Captain America is his hero, by the way.)

From Dan’s About Me:
“…currently I'm in the sales field & have played w/ acting, modeling & singing...I guess thats what happens when you get Califonicated.”

There are three things to notice about this statement:

a) He is in the sales field. Salesmen are always iffy.
b) He has “played” with acting, modeling and singing.
c) He made up a word and then he MISSPELLED it. It would be “Californicated,” Dan!

Also, I’d like to point out that I, too, was “Californicated,” and I did not enter the modeling, acting or singing field, nor was I in sales.

Anne: Last night he texted this message: “u want 2 hang 2nite?” Come on. He’s a 33 year old college graduate! What type of college did he go to? They must have REALLY low standards.
Me: OH MY GOD, HE MAJORED IN EDUCATION!

To make matters worst, he lists some of his interests. Music: Linken Park and Fuel. Are we living in the year 2000? I didn’t realize people still listened to Fuel. Favourite movie: Collateral staring the oh-so delightful and totally completely not crazy Tom Cruise.

Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. You are, to be fair, a good looking guy. Why did you have to ruin it with your MySpace profile?

Me: I firmly believe everyone should have a MySpace profile so you can look at these things before deciding to stick your tongue down their throat.